I Exist

My first recollection of being a living breathing human being was when I was a 3 years old sitting on Santa's lap at Sears, Roebuck and Co. Before that I am not sure I existed, or if even any of the world with its big bang, dinosaurs and Thomas Jefferson ever did either. All of a sudden I was just "there" on this man who I knew was not Santa. I knew I did not want to be there on this impostor, but, unlike my children, did not feel I had much of a choice: a picture had to be taken. This man who was not really Santa was asking me what I wanted for Christmas and I did not want to tell him since he could not provide me with what I truly desired. So I lied and told him I wanted a "ball". Immediately after I said it I knew it was probably the most uninteresting thing he heard all day.

Later I told my mom I knew that man at Sears wasn't really Santa. She said "Of course not. Santa is busy, he gets his helpers to play Santa in all the stores across the country."

"Then why pretend?" I asked her. "Why not say he is just a helper?"

She looked at me and sighed, "because most kids rather just believe it is him." She said it like those kids were normal, and I wasn't.

My little practical mind tried to grasp the mass human psyche, wanting to be fooled because it felt good. I wanted to understand this in order to be normal for my mom. But I could not.

My sister has that Christmas photo in her house now. There we sit on Santa's lap in matching outfits (though we are not twins) looking bewildered and uncomfortable. That was the beginning of my life.